


The Insomnia Fic

by ScreechingPotatoFics



Series: Time to Die, I Guess With Li [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Blood Kink, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Lemon, Lime, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Non-explicit mentions of Gamzee Makara, Shameless Smut, Tentabulges, Tentacle Kink, Yaoi, background rosemary - Freeform, crackfic, eldritch horrorterrors, for like three seconds, gratuitous cursing, mother forgive me, only shameless because someone happened to be sleep deprived, wow so much citrus fruits
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 10:15:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15947282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScreechingPotatoFics/pseuds/ScreechingPotatoFics
Summary: In which Dave and Karkat learn new things about each other. Romantic things. Gross things.Basically, they fuck.





	The Insomnia Fic

**Author's Note:**

> Orignally titled “The Absolute Shitfic”.

“DAVE FUCKING STRIDER.”  
The words expelled from the short troll’s mouth echoed across the interior of the meteor.   
The aforementioned FUCKING STRIDER did nothing but raise one eyebrow, taking up far more space on the couch than one lanky teenager should.   
“Oh no,” Kanaya said with disinterest. “Karkat is shouting once again.”  
The absolute lesbian proceeded to kiss her girlfriend on the cheek as they knitted a scarf together from both ends.  
“It is almost as if he never learned how to properly interact with others, leading to an internalization of most emotions, converting them all into anger,” Rose said, not bothering to look in the general direction of the doorway.   
Karkat uttered a “SHUT THE *FUCK* UP.” and marched over to Dave, who is almost delightedly drawing dicks all over the notebook he’d managed to alchemize.   
“DAVE.”  
“Karkat,” Dave said, his mouth raising at a minute level at the left corner.   
“IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION, DESPITE TECHNICALLY BEING YOUR GOD AND YOUR INSUFFERABLE PRICKISHNESS, THAT I AM MADLY IN RED WITH YOU. WILL YOU DO ME THE HONOR OF PUTTING YOUR STRANGE, PINK APPENDAGE INSIDE OF ME AS A HUMAN MATING RITUAL.”  
“Jesus fucking Christ,” said Dave, mouth no longer fixed in a tiny crooked smirk. “I feel the exact same way. Please put your alien dong deep inside of my ass and any other orifices you may choose. But not the ear. That’s gay.”  
Karkat wavered for a moment, but continued as if he’d never paused and this wasn’t just a filler so someone didn’t write just dialogue between them like a shitty RP that went off the rails in 2012.  
“I DON’T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK ABOUT YOUR HUMAN HOMOSEXUALITY OR WHATEVER. LET ME TICKLE YOUR SHAMEGLOBES AND WATCH YOUR THINKPAN CRUMBLE AS WE REACH NEW HEIGHTS. OF SOMETHING.”  
Dave flung the notebook halfway across the cavernous room.  
“Put your bone bulge inside me, you fuckin’ Casanova Extra-Terrestrial.”  
The corner lesbians sighed as these hopeless dumbasses attempted to come to terms with their feelings through a very misinformed sexual act that is most likely extremely steamy.   
They were magically transported to Dave’s room because the author actually has no idea what effect sopor slime may cause when it comes into contact with mucous membranes.  
The author now has an idea for an equally smutty premise. Oh no, they may soon get arrested for the crime that is writing scenes so hot that it causes several house fires in a small suburban neighborhood in Kent County. Several people must now accost the murderous scum that continues to write such works of fiction that may or may not have committed many an arson. However, this author is nowhere to be found, mostly due to the fact that they are far, far away from there.   
But not that far away. The author chooses to inform you that you will undoubtedly find them when you are ready.  
The boys, as usually referred to by most smut writers for some unknown reason, began their horizontal tango by tearing clothing off of each other.   
Dave had somehow managed to keep his sunglasses on, despite being completely naked and also in the dark because no one turned on a light and trolls are canonically nocturnal.  
“Dave,” Karkat breathed, also really fucking naked, “take off your fucking shades.”  
The boy with outward albinism placed a hand on the troll’s cheek, brushing at his lips with his thumb. “Nah.”  
“I CREATED YOU. I HAVE SENIORITY ON EXISTING. TAKE OFF THE FUCKING SHADES!”  
The hot-ass moment delved into a one-sided naked screechfest, being the most unlike thing something can be to a fruity rumpus as possible.  
Dave clamped his hands on either side of Karkat’s face, hoping to catch his lips with his in a kiss-like fashion.  
He was instead bitten on the nose. It was hot. So hot. The green sun was not as hot as this sinful teeth-on-nose action.  
When Karkat let go, Dave’s shades disappeared, leaving their bodies to be seen by any alien voyeur that happened to be floating about in space. (These shades, of course, are also referred to as “blinds” by Americans because the author has literally never fucking seen a conversation about what the hell they’re fucking called in any other damn country.)  
“That was so fucking hot,” Dave panted, red blood spurting from the tooth-shaped holes in his nose.  
“LET’S GET ON WITH THE INTERCOURSE. YOU AND YOUR STRANGELY COLORED APPENDAGE MUST BE PLACED INSIDE OF ME.” Karkat’s tentacle penis nearly tore itself out of his body in order to copulate with his friendcrush.   
“What the fuck, Karkat.”  
“WHAT THE FUCK INDEED, DAVE STRIDER.”  
From then on, it was a battle of tongues for dominance and the occasional indignant HONK from the ductwork. The tongues seemed to multiply, as did the amount of tentacles the mutant was sprouting.   
It was strange though, for a human to begin sprouting tentacles as he did. Yet DAVID FUCKING STRIDER did so as he had not yet taken off his shades.   
The event was the spiritual successor of texting a friend at midnight in search of memes and companionship, only to find viscerally horrifying Nic Cage memes. Jesus fucking Christ, Mel. You had the author almost looking for a bible despite not belonging to that religion. Where do you even find that shit? Was it because of the slightly off-center Nic Cage head that states deeply into your soul? The author was planning on apologizing with illegal tea from their mother’s home country.   
Karkat growled, swiping the shades off of Dave’s face. Only to be greeted to another pair of sunglasses.   
“I SWEAR I WILL END YOU AS I CREATED YOU IF YOU DON’T TAKE OFF THE FUCKING SHADES, STRIDER.”  
The tentacles ceased being relevant and ceased their existence entirely. (Except for Karkat’s supposed genitalia. That is still relevant as they were still both on the bed. How did they get there? Who the fuck knows? Maybe their tongues were granted sentience and became so sexually attracted to each other that they pulled their host bodies to the bed in order to make sweet, sweet love to each other.)  
“If you insist, tentadick.”  
Dave took off his sunglasses to reveal ruby eyes. Eyes like blood. Eyes like fucking eyes because they’re fucking eyes, dumbass.   
And no, the author refuses to write two eyes fucking or someone (Jake) fucking someone’s (Dirk’s) eye socket. Any version of eye-fucking is—at best— really gross and at worst... good fucking job. You have made the author think of That Thing They Once Found By Accident Damn You JakeDirk Shippers.  
“What the fuck,” Karkat stated in a hoarse whisper.  
“I know, bro. Shit’s fucked,” Dave whispered while simultaneously latching onto Karkat’s neck like a fucking leech.   
The troll moaned with pleasure from this interspecies fuckfest.   
“Do we need lube?” Dave managed to stutter, somehow being completely audible despite having a long alien tongue halfway down his throat.   
“WHAT THE FUCK IS LUBE?” Karkat shouted, pulling away from his lover. “IS IT A HUMAN DRUG? JOHN TOLD ME ABOUT THEM.”  
Dave sighed. “Unless your dick excretes any sort of slime, it’s not gonna fit into my virgin mancave.”  
“WITH YOUR HUMAN FUCKERY I MIGHT AS WELL JUST FUCK MYSELF IN THE SEEDFLAP WHILE THE ENTIRE METEOR WATCHES FROM A GANDER PRECIPICE.”  
Oddly enough, this made Karkat drip a gelatinous fluid from his bulging, maraschino cherry-red, tentacle-shaped, penis-like organ.   
Dave blinked. “Okay. Shove it up my ass.”  
“WAIT.”  
Dave waited.  
“WHAT ABOUT THE GENITAL LUBRICATION FLUID?”  
“I think you have enough.”  
“WHAT IF YOUR ASS ABSORBS IT AS IT GOES IN?”  
Dave shrugged at his friend, who was getting more agitated by the second. “I’ll die, maybe. Make sure to put ‘DICK TOO BOMB’ on my tombstone, though. I wanna go out with a bang.”  
“WHY ARE WE EVEN ATTEMPTING COPULATION? THIS DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE.”  
Dave placed a finger on Karkat’s lips.   
“Let the dick guide you.”  
They fuck. Something explodes. Human gonads are outside of the body because they can’t operate at human body temperature. They are covered in gross fluids.   
Of course, Dave decided to coordinate the obligatory “wearing the other’s clothes” trope and wore Karkat’s long sleeved shirt as a crop top.   
Karkat was left in the entirety of Dave’s God Pajamas.   
Dave refused to wear pants and instead put a sock on. Where you envision this sock is entirely up to you.  
They smelled like intercourse and now it was in the ductworks. They created a monster, most likely a murderous horny clown that never dies.   
They did not apologize for this as they had no fucking clue.   
Wait, no. A clown who was horny for murder. Is a specific Tumblr user the author looks up to proud yet? Most likely not, seeing as they will never come across this fic or the author. And if they do, they will cast judgement upon your humble author, effectively suplexing them into another dimension where the author and All Of Their Works cease to exist.  
It is a shame that the one work involving gratuitous mentions of teratophilia will cease existing. The author must now say farewell in preparation of such judgement.  
“Did I tell you I have a tentacle kink?”  
Karkat blustered at this. “EW. That is fucking disgusting!”  
Dave, shades re-intact on his windows and also his face, blinks. “We just fucked.”  
“STILL VOMIT INDUCING.”  
“Your tentacle wang was literally just up my ass.”  
“YOU’RE A SHITTY EXCUSE FOR A MATESPRIT.”  
“Does that mean I’m your kismesis?”  
“JUST CLOSE OFF YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE FOR ONE DAMN SECOND!”  
This is where it ends. Sadly, it did the exact opposite of curing the author’s insomnia.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry you had to see that. No refunds, though.


End file.
